Clarkson must go

"Turbo Lag"

There are two main types of internal combustion engines for vehicles: the spark-ignition (gasoline, petrol) type and the compression-ignition (diesel) type.

Petrol engines have throttle butterflies which close when the accelerator is up. This cuts off airflow through the cylinders, causing a turbocharger to spin down. When the accelerator is down and the butterflies open, it takes a finite amount of time for the turbo to spin up - causing a hiatus in the the expected power delivery. This is known as "turbo lag".

Diesel engines do not have butterflies in the inlet tract. Engine speed is governed by the quantity of injected fuel, but airflow continues regardless. As a result, the turbocharger is always spinning at operating speed.

Turbodiesel engines do not - cannot - suffer from turbo lag.

Jeremy Clarkson - an appreciation...

Pie in the face - and about time!I detest Jeremy Clarkson.

It seems only fair – HE hates just about everything else: the French, his co-presenters, diesel engines, women, Scotland, the BBC, environmentalists, the Government, children, cyclists – the list is endless.

In the visual medium that is Television, most people take at least some care over their appearance. Not Clarkson: bird's-nest hair, beer gut, face like an arse - and clothing straight out of the Great Universal catalogue, circa 1978. As if looking like a pile of steaming dung wasn't bad enough, he's presenting a motoring programme, but doesn't know how cars work.

Jeremy Clarkson is to automotive engineering, what David Beckham is to Quantum Physics.

He's unable to explain even the basic principles of airbags, anti-lock brakes, or fuel injection. He asserts - many a time and oft - that diesel engines suffer from "turbo lag". They don't (as explained in the sidebar on this page) but he keeps going on about it nonetheless. Satellite navigation systems that a seven-year-old could operate, leave him mystified – as does almost any other device worked with electricity. He CAN drive, though, right...?

Wrong.

On one famous episode of his pisspoor motoring magazine "Top Gear", the lanky fool panned a Lotus Elise for its wayward handling. Lotus sent one of their staff drivers to show him how the car behaved when driven properly, and the BBC - to their everlasting credit, and Clarkson's evident fury - transmitted film of the demonstration in full, in the next programme.

His inability to drive a diesel-engined car within the designed power band is demonstrated regularly on-air - but according to Jeremy, it's all the car's fault.

None of this comes as any surprise. Not only does Clarkson know next to nothing about cars – he can't even say their names. Each week, viewers are asked to believe that marques exist called Citran, Astin Marton, Forerri, and even God help us the Pigani Zonder. A moderately intelligent budgerigar could be taught to say these words correctly in a couple of days – Clarkson's had years, and he still can't pronounce them.

This may seem a minor quibble, but it sums up the essence of the man. A custard pie in the face is too good for him. I rest my case.